Most of my first days of being a parent was clouded by the struggle of coming to terms with the responsibility I had been given. I thought I was ready to be a parent, and realized upon becoming one, I would never fully be ready.
Like so many others, my first few weeks at home with my child were a blur of sleeplessness, as the days melted into night, I did my best to cope with the incessant crying of a newborn child; I remember standing outside on my deck in the middle of the night, tears streaming down my face as I stared up in to the starry heavens asking, "Why I had ever wanted to have a baby?"
My head churned with a million thoughts and I questioned not only myself but everything I had ever been taught about life. I discovered that the blissful, sweet images of being the perfect Mother to my child, were simply nothing more than illusions. Seeds of ideas that were planted in my subconscious at some point in time, growing into the ideas of perfection, of which I would never be able to attain.
Before I actually became a parent, I had a so many ideas of who my children would be, what they would like, how they would act, what they would eat and how they would sleep.
What I didn't know at the time, is that although they may not be able to articulate it in words; babies already know who they are, what they like, how they will act, what they will eat and how much they will or will not sleep. It took me a while before I became open enough for them to teach me this. Truth be told I had no idea of what being a parent was, that is until my children taught me to be one.
It's a little over two years later and two kids later and most days days start out by me admitting that I'm not perfect and that I will never be. That I am enough, and I am a good parent despite my imperfections.
I do this in the hope that if I can learn to embrace my imperfections as I juggle them in my daily life, then my children will also be able to accept themselves for who they are and never have to get caught in the endless loop of pursuing an ideal that exists somewhere just out of their reach.