Facebook Thinks I'm Lonely
Through the wonder of modern technology our computers can now diagnose depression. Galactic sophistication has allowed my keyboard to secretly collect minuscule secretions from my fingertips as I type, measure my serotonin levels and calculate my social stimulation. Then, after mere seconds of scientific testing a conclusion is reached. My diagnosis is in - ladies and gentlemen, Facebook thinks I'm lonely.
Recently a new tab has appeared amongst the abyssal blue bar atop the home page of Facebook. Between my Profile and Account tabs lies the teasing Find Friends tab. This function has been readily available through Facebook for as long as I've been a member. But now Facebook has installed disabled access, for those so paralyzed with loneliness they simply can't search and locate the means to make new friends.
As if that wasn't enough provocation, I still see periodical prompts beneath my upcoming events section. Prompts which have been worded very carefully to coax maximum guilt from whomever reads them. It reads:
Sean, more friends are waiting.
Don't feel guilty? Well you should.
Sean - noun
male, a given name.
More - noun
an additional quantity, amount, or number.
Are – verb
present indicative plural.
Waiting – verb [used without object]
to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something happens.
Firstly, the automatonous, soulless software addresses me by my first name, acting colloquially in an attempt to be both direct and friendly. This achieves my attention and entices me in, gaining my assurance and leading me softly into the comma, before pausing for thought and absorbing the information.
More friends seems to suggests that I don’t have enough already, that I am somehow losing the race. But more isn’t a quantifiable amount. It simply suggests a greater number. This gives no indication as to how many friends are waiting!
Are is a present indicative plural. It means it’s currently happening. People are waiting right now! They’re waiting for me!
Punctuality is something I value in my friends. Facebook has branded me a hypocrite. I’ve plunged these people into a state of repose. They’re inactive due to my virtual social negligence. Who knows how long I’ve put their lives on hold.
The onus is on me. I mean, how long have I kept these people? There’s an unquantifiable amount of hypothetical friends that I’ve yet to virtually meet, and I’ve already kept them waiting for an unspecified length of time. Suddenly I feel disrespectful. That doesn’t make a good first impression, and I hear they count.Continued on the next page