HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK!!!
It's 11:03 am on Thursday, July 7, 2011.
In about 20 minutes, Gail and I will trundle out to the car so she can haul me to the doctor's office.
Here's what will happen.
He will ask questions. I will answer them. I will explain why I asked for this appointment. He will nod and look thoughtful.
He will feel my abdomen. Then he will tell me to stand up, drop trou, and bend over.
I will hear the sinister "snap" of latex being applied to a hand.
I will hear the "squish" of lube being applied to a digit.
Then, I will be probed.
My God. HE'S GONNA PUT HIS FINGER IN MY BUTT!!!
I mean — JESUS!!! Haven't we evolved as a society? Don't we have TECHNOLOGY for that? Can't they, oh, I don't know, strap a little microcamera to a gerbil and...
No, no, no, forget I said that...
Then, he will write a prescription for a colonoscopy.
And I MADE AN APPOINTMENT for this. I am GOING TO HIS OFFICE so he can do this to me. We'll make small talk. We'll talk about symptoms. Then he will treat me like a high school girl in the back seat of the car on a Freshman date! No flowers, no romantic dinner, just a rush, fumble, grab and POKE!
10 minutes. I have 10 minutes now before I'm supposed to leave.
I've taken my morning shower. I gave "certain parts" an EXTRA scrub. I'm anxious, but considerate.
I'll tell you all about it when I get back.
God. Oh, sweet, merciful God.
Thank God he has slender fingers...Continued on the next page