Blowing the Lid Off the GOP Conspiracy
Please don't let the fact that I'm in fear for my life keep you from reading this. Please don't let the fact that they may be coming to get YOU after you READ this keep you from reading it. There are some things more important than self-preservation. A well-aged cheddar, for instance. Have you ever tasted a slice of well-aged cheddar? Magnificent. But back to the point.
I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. I was too busy writing this column to warn this nation about the vast GOP conspiracy.
It was nitey-nite time and I had already taken my nitey-nite pills and was in the process of taking the doggies out for their nitey-nite wee-wee. I was working the second dog (well, it doesn't really seem fair to call it WORK, since they seem to enjoy it so much) when I caught a glimpse of something reflecting the streetlight. It was a CD-ROM case, stuck into a dog, uh... "monument"... left earlier in the day. (My German shepherd, for instance, leaves "monuments" that can be seen by the naked eye from outer space.)
I rushed back into the house with the CD-ROM case. Then I rushed back out to get the dog, who was standing there with confused look on her face, like, "What? I'm free now? I can just leave?" Then I rushed back in, rinsed off the portion of the CD-ROM case that had been in contact with the "monument", withdrew the CD-ROM within, and shivered when I saw the writing on the disc.
"Listen to this." It said. OK, I realized I was shivering because the kitchen window was still cracked open and it was cold outside. So I shut the window, popped the CD-ROM into my iMac and listened. What I heard shocked and appalled me. In that order. I spent the entire night transcribing what sounded like...
"THE FIRST MEETING OF THE HOUSE AND SENATE REPUBLICAN CAUCUS AFTER THEY TOOK OFFICE IN JANUARY 2011."
It was clear they were laying out their plans for the destruction of America as we know it.
I will identify the speakers as I recognize their voices. In some cases, that was impossible. Paul Ryan, for instance. His voice is just so... ordinary.Continued on the next page