A Faux News EXCLUSIVE: Human Male Aroused by Sex Photos
MEGYN KELLY: This just in to the Faux News Room, shocking details of a human male in New Jersey being aroused by sexy talk and photos. Let's go to Bill Hummer for details. Bill?
HUMMER: Thank you Megyn. We've just received exclusive word here at Faux News that ANOTHER human male has been aroused by looking at photos of naked women and by having sexually-oriented conversations with them.
KELLY: Didn't this guy learn his lesson from Anthony Weiner?
HUMMER: Apparently not, Megyn. In fact, according to the man's wife, she was wondering what was taking him so long in the bathroom so she opened the door and saw him, and I quote, "pleasuring himself" to the images in Hustler Magazine.
KELLY: Hustler? I've never heard of that one. Is it a clothing catalog of some sort.
HUMMER: Shockingly, no, Megyn. It is a magazine filled with images of women, many of whom are wearing no clothing whatsoever and displaying their genitalia in a shockingly provocative fashion.
KELLY: And when you say "pleasuring himself," Bill, what exactly are you talking about?
HUMMER: Well, Megyn, one hesitates to say this out loud, but apparently, according to this man's wife, he was using one hand to hold the magazine and the other to manually arouse his own genitalia.
KELLY: Sweet Bleeding Jesus! I think I'm going to be sick.
HUMMER: It's not an easy story to hear or to tell, Megyn.
KELLY: Do you have a NAME for this pervert?
HUMMER: Yes, Kelly. His name is Elmer McDiddle. Turns out he's a teller at the Jerseyville Savings and Loan.
KELLY: All right, Bill, we'll let you go to dig out more of the sordid, sickening details. Now we join Shepherd Smith at the offices of the Jerseyville Savings and Loan.
SMITH: Thank you Megyn. I'm standing here with Paul O'Prudence, President of the Jerseyville Savings and Loan. Sir, you heard the report from the McDiddle house of perversion. Will you ask this man for his resignation.Continued on the next page