TheFurFiles - Single Again After Sixty-five Years, Wedded Woes, Sexy Time Don't List
Madame Floretta “Fern” De Villiers, a.k.a. “Amanda Fox” is an author of erotic fiction and commentary. This is her weekly advice column.
Friday, December 10th, 2010.
I am an eighty-nine year old woman about to re-enter the world of dating after sixty-five years of marriage. I’m afraid I’m a bit rusty – OK, a LOT rusty. Not only that, but my eighteen-year-old great-granddaughter says that things are different nowadays. Should I be scared?
Single Again After One Heck Of A Long Time
Hell yes, you should be scared. You are about to get naked for the first time in over half a century in front of men other than your husband. That alone sounds incredibly scary to me.
Here are a few details about relationships and sex that I got from some teenagers I met at the bus station downtown just last night.
1. As sexuality has become more footloose and fancy free – and here I’ve used terms that I’m hoping you’ll understand – it’s now OK to acknowledge your fantasies about having sex with your pet. Please realize however that it is still NOT OK to act on those fantasies unless of course the animal is a lizard. Cold-blooded creatures don’t count in this regard. You can do to them whatever you want and no one will think anything of it. Be careful though. Their tails can be sharp and you could get cut depending on the activity.
2. No one tries to meet people through blind dates or by going to the library anymore. You will have to get yourself signed up on one of those online dating websites. When putting together your profile, remember to embellish the crap out of it. Say something like this: “Sophisticated, experienced and ex-Victoria’s Secret model seeks boy toy. Ready, willing and able to do just about anything, including back door fun and pseudo necrophilia.” That should have your phone ringing off the hook. Also, be sure to use the best picture of yourself that you can find, even if it isn’t an accurate reflection of what you REALLY look like, even if it was taken fifty or sixty years ago. The idea is to get the person interested and then meet for drinks.Continued on the next page