TheFurFiles - A World Of Worry, Bicoastal Botheration, Wanna Date Her Daughter
Madame Floretta “Fern” De Villiers, a.k.a. “Amanda Fox”, is an author of erotic fiction and commentary. The following is a sneak peek at her advice column for this week.
Friday, April 15th, 2011.
I am the type of person who tends to over-think situations and relationships are no exception. For example, I recently started dating this woman named Sara and even though – so far – things have been going great, as with everything else, I worry that what is sunny and bright right now, will turn dark and gloomy sooner or later.
I worry that even though she says I am smart, secretly she thinks I am a complete dolt. I worry that she hates my hair and my clothes and the way I walk. I worry that she thinks my hands are too big and my penis is too small. I worry that she thinks I am too fast during sex, that I am a bad kisser, and that my fetish for watching Bingo balls drop is crazy. I worry about farting in her presence.
Of course, I worry about other stuff too, like I worry that I’ll never get promoted at work and that I’ll be selling rock t-shirts at the local flea market for the rest of my life. I worry that I might get cancer from eating too many hotdogs. I worry that I’ll burn to a crisp in my bed one night when a fire breaks out in my basement and all five of my smoke detectors fail to go off. I worry that someday I’ll be swept away by a flash flood, or that my house will get hit by lightning. Most of all however, I worry that once Sara REALLY gets to know me, that she’ll think I worry too much and she’ll tell me to get lost. What should I do?
Anxious In Akron
Dear You Poor Soul,
You are an exhausting human being and my real sympathy goes out to your parents. It must have been a long thirty years raising you. Anyway, if you could put as much energy into “living” as you put into “worrying”, you could probably be President of the United States, or in the very least, Captain of the Knitters Club of America, or CEO of the International Bridge Players Association.
Luckily, it IS possible to channel your energy into something more positive, but it will NOT be an easy task. Take it from me – a person who was once similar to you except not quite so ridiculously neurotic – trying to stop worrying is about as hard as trying to wish away a migraine. It’s about as hard as trying to clean your car with the tip of your tongue. It’s about as hard as trying to give yourself a bikini wax using a Febreze scented candle and a blow torch.Continued on the next page