Assault of the Sasquatch (on DVD) Is So Bad It's Hilarious
There are a lot of things happening in Assault of the Sasquatch.
To start, three stereotypical backwoods hunters are looking for bear. Two cops nearby are staking out poachers. The hunters kill a bear, the rangers exchange pleasantries, and a Sasquatch gets caught in a bear trap, then kills one of the hunters (the other two aren’t too terribly upset; ka-ching). One of the hunters contacts a “collector” who is jetting somewhere, and all this happens before the opening credits play out.
Once the movie starts, a body falls, and two nerds try to pick up a hooker, while two cops chase a suspect down the street. Switch to two college students in a dorm room. There’s a train wreck down by the river. The rangers take the surviving poacher to the police station for booking, and take the hunter’s truck which just happens to have the Yeti in the back. While the hunter raises a ruckus in jail, Bigfoot escapes from the truck and invades a greenhouse.
Here’s where it gets interesting. Three young men are at a pizzeria table; one walks out with a pizza, sits down outside, passes out face first into the pizza. Sasquatch steals the pizza.
The nerds are following Bigfoot around with a videocam, Bigfoot is peeping into windows, watching a girl undress, the girl gets in the shower, Bigfoot goes into her house where a little dog in a dress is keeping watch (The best scene in the entire film is the shot of the dog’s expression when Sasquatch picks her up—unfortunately Bigfoot stomps the dog.).
The power goes off in the police station (where most of the major characters are) after Colletti (the suspect who was being chased down the street) escapes from jail. Because there’s a rampaging Sasquatch outside, most of the cast barricades itself inside the police station, and guess what? Cell phones can’t get a signal. Has any plot device gotten more mileage or achieved such rapid popularity as inoperable cell phones?Continued on the next page